I caved in and weighed myself.

This week has been ridiculous. In addition to the regular daily requirements of full-time working girl and full-time mom, we completely redid our front porch over three days. I have also been preparing for my boy's second birthday party - cleaning, crafting, shopping. On top of all that I am finishing up the last week of INSANITY. I went out with friends and have tried to make time to talk to family. I'm burning the candle at both ends to get all this done: up at 5:30 or 6 and to bed at 11:30 or midnight. 

On Wednesday morning, after three weeks of not weighing myself I looked in the mirror and liked what i saw, so I caved. I weighed myself. I had gained half a pound. My first thought was "darn." Followed by "you idiot, I told you not to weigh yourself." Oops. What I should have done to satisfy my curiosity is go and measure myself. I think I let the stress of the week get to me. Surprisingly I don't feel that sad - or maybe even that surprised - about the half-a pound gain.  I immediately went to measure myself and make myself feel better. I have lost another 1/2 inch off my waist and hips in these three weeks. I was hopeful about the weightloss, but am somehow I'm okay without it.  I have four workouts and a fit test left in this round of INSANITY. 

But my question still remains: why am I not seeing results in the weight loss? Obviously I'm eating just the right amount to fuel and maintain my body. I have tried SO HARD to eat better- greek yogurt, tea and toast for breakfast. Fruit only for snacks. Homemade crockpot meals, salads and soups for lunch or dinner. I drink nearly no alcohol (think 1/2 or 1 beer on average a month). I the past three weeks I've eaten almost no sweets, with the exception of 3 cookies, 2 fig newtons, 1 piece of pumpkin pie, three homemade Nutella rugelach, one tablespoon of ice cream. I indulged twice on Fritos (probably 1-1/2  or 2 servings each time). In the past I could have eaten all of that every other day! 

Unfortunately with how busy we were working on the front porch I made my biggest mistake by allowing myself to eat from a restaurant six times during the past three weeks. That was definitely not a part of my pattern for the past six or seven months. One of the eat-out times was breakfast with the family (potatoes, toast and eggs). The other times I chose to eat pizza, Chinese stirfry, a chicken cheese steak, a wrap and a mushroom chicken sand which with French fries. I had one beer at home and two glasses of wine when I was out with friends.  With the exception of feeling salt-heavy, I have loved every minute of each of those meals. 

So now what?!? I'm still getting toned even though I'm not losing weight, so maybe I need to be okay with that. I'm still in the ideal weight zone for my height and age, and only really wanted to lose 10 pounds.  I'm actually really happy with the way I look with one exception - my stomach. I shared my annoyance with my equally health-conscience sister who quoted a friend, "abs are not made in the gym, but in the kitchen." I love that idea. I do feel I eat really well now - everyone at work mentions it. To me it's much better than I used to, but when I look at my belly there is obviously room for improvement. I will not starve myself. While I do better when I don't allow myself even a taste, I will not go without any one item (meat, carbs, dairy, junk food). I am not a cleanser or a shake-for-lunch type of girl. I need something that's sustainable and affordable. I need to eat what my kids eat. However, I believe I am carb-heavy (which means they are as well) and need to start changing that balance to more veggies, beans, and lean proteins. I should be eating my fill on those instead. Along with that, I probably need to adjust my use of sugar, salt and sauces to make those items taste good. This weight may be my new reality so most of all, I probably just need to relax and let this fitness journey take the time it needs to take.

I stuck with the INSANITY program and it has worked, but I whine like a toddler and want to throw it out the window every single day before I do it. Part of it is the length of these tapes and I'm exhausted every night.  Part of it is the inflexibility to allow for other personal commitments. I have come back from going out with friends at 10 pm and still done my workout. I have skipped cleaning up my house because I have to workout (which makes me anxious and unfulfilled. I have rushed my kids to bed without the relaxed atmosphere I want because I've been anxious about the time left in the day to work out. 

Unfortunately I haven't grown to love those videos- just the results. I love the way I look, the energy I have, the feeling of accomplishment, and the daily "live-in-the-moment-nothing-else-matters" me-time. I don't want to lose ANY of that. I think I need a small break to remember the good I felt about the program. I AM considering doing another round of it and I definitely will need something to keep me going through the winter. I'm torn between buying a used elliptical (so I can continue to workout at night while the kids are sleeping, and maybe catch up on my books or my favorite TV shows that have come back on!) or buying T-25 for the 25 minute workout.  I'm leaning towards the elliptical if I can find the right deal.

My plan for just next week is to first: buy new shoes and a few new bras. Then develop a way to learn more about lifting weights - maybe signing up at a class at the YMCA, do Yoga once and run three times. I miss running so much and the weather is beautiful right now. The week afterwards I'll see if I want to do another video workout as a filler or something else in addition to that. 

Home office redo- phase 1

Phase one of my home office makeover is complete. I get to work from home once a week, and for the most part have been using my kitchen or dining room table. Now I have a new space to work in on the third floor. 

Before: the wall acted as storage for gifts, odds and ends that my kids were too young for or we didn't need.tbe Papasan chair was tossed in the corner, piled up with pillows and other things that we didn't want on the floor. The desk was covered on and beneath - so there was no room for my legs and only a small space for my laptop.

After. I used that wall storage as part of my desk, so the desk is cleared of everything except my laptop. The printer is hooked up again after five years. The papasan chair actually is in front of the TV so someone can watch movies if they wanted. 

Basically all I did was put the stuff from the wall storage where it belonged, so it hasn't cost me anything yet. I did toss a few things, but mostly I moved everything around and got it out of the third floor if it didn't belong. I even pulled all the empty notebooks i have collected over the years off my bookcase and can easily grab one when I need it instead of buying new. As a bonus I can feel the breeze from both windows when I work now.

Next I'd like to paint everything a lighter color, hang some photos, make some new curtains, and redo both chairs. 

Food Addictions and Exercise Results

I have an addiction to junk food. I'm sure its one many people can identify with. I am sitting at my right now desk working and getting distracted by the thoughts of chocolate bars, rice crispy treats, cookies and Hershey's kisses. I'm so distracted that I have to get up for water - tea - anything. But there are vending machines and free food at people's desk. I get back to my desk and give myself a little hug. 

Not every day is like this, but many are. I have never been on a diet. I'm tall, so despite my "addiction" I look lean. Most of the time, I can still fit into clothes I've worn since college, and occasionally high school. Because I was lean I never really thought I had a problem. I openly joke that I am always the first one snacking at parties - and would finish more than most of the other guests. I usually would finish my plate when we would go out to eat - to the point of being uncomfortable. I don't mind eating a bag of Easter chocolates or even diving head first into a jar of unopened icing every now and then. I realized that my relationship with food was bad when, several years ago as I was still living at my mom's house, I came home one day from work and found the last slice of Papa Johns pizza gone. I had been DREAMING about it since early that morning. I NEEDED that papa johns pizza. Nothing else would do. I subsequently threw a toddler-like tantrum in the hallway upstairs - crying myself into a heap in the corner. Yeah - it surprised me to. 

Perhaps it shouldn't have surprised me though; I have a very addictive personality. When I was a kid I was so involved with the TV that my mom would take it away as a punishment. I remember the agony of being without TV for even minutes - and I would sneak to the top of the stairs, lay down on my stomach and peek down between the balusters to watch from the reflection in the mirror hanging on the wall. It didn't matter what was on - I just needed to watch. I can remember so many moments as I grew up thinking - this is crap and I should turn it off, but I just kept watching. In college, my addictions often came in the form of the computer (I would play Myst for hours and stayed up for 48 hours teaching myself how to code in HTML) or obsessive reading (I read each of the Harry Potters in one night a piece). 

Since college, I've seen a small shift in my health. Being exposed to so many people from different backgrounds - and having to fend for yourself day in and day out, I found small areas to improve my overall diet - and more importantly the way I think about food.  In college, I needed to give up something for the forty-days of Lent and decided the HUGE soda (think 24oz) I was drinking every day would be a good challenge. It was. And afterwards I haven't really looked back. My tastes changed somewhere along those weeks I can hardly finish a single can of soda now. I knew there was other things I could do to improve my habits. During and after college I've looked to my friends and slowly started to try other new things that they did- Chinese food - wheat bread (we lived on Stroehmanns White Bread growing up) - 1% milk - greek yogurt. At the same time, I realized while I didn't like team sports, I really enjoyed a runner's high and sometimes being the strongest girl in the room. A few years post-college I trained with my husband for our first 5K. When my kids were born I realized how much stuff I ate that I would never feed them. We pureed our own baby food (which is ridiculously simple). We offer healthy snack options and look at all of the ingredients in everything we buy. 

After gaining 60 pounds with my second pregnancy, I breastfed my way back to my pre-baby weight. Unfortunately as the nursing slowed down my calorie intake and eating habits remained. I gained back fifteen-plus pounds from my pre-baby weight and stayed there for more than a year. Even when I had slimmed down entirely (before putting the fifteen-plus pounds on), most of my pre-baby clothes still didn't fit. As a cover-up I went shopping at the local thrift store to get some (really nice brand names like Calvin Klein) temporary jeans that fit. I struggled with my body image like so many do, and continued to improve various parts of my eating habits - putting a nearly complete halt to eating out and cooking more at home. Again, my tastes changed and I could not eat out even when we tried - food from my favorite chain restaurants like the Outback actually tasted gross. I ran sporadically, but most of my down time was spent in front of the TV, a book or sleeping. 

Then my company started the GCC - global corporate challenge - a 10,000 step a day team-based program. I had participated twice before, but lost momentum after a few weeks and never had any consistency with the 10,000 steps a day. I started running with my co-workers and from the end of May until September kept with a 10,000 step a day program. This often meant walking in place (or back and forth in my room) every night at 9, 10 or 11 pm to get the steps in. It was exhausting but for some reason I kept with it. Then the program held a 100,000 steps in a week challenge. After the first few days I thought all hope was lost (I was only pulling in 10-11,000 each day) but again, for some reason I decided to ramp it up and get it done - needing 14,500+ steps a day. I was bringing healthy snacks to work and I finally lost my first few (about 3-4) pounds. 

As you may imagine, walking in place was taking forever (we don't have an elliptical or anything)- and was painfully boring. I said my prayers walking. I watched TV walking. I brushed my teeth walking. My mind was telling me - this is insane - you don't need to do this!! So when my husband was on a business trip, I picked up his copy of INSANITY - the Shaun T. workout by Beachbody. My brother-in-law had lost a significant amount (70+) pounds on the program, and had started an on-line community for people getting fit.  I had tried a few of the workouts with my husband the year before, so I knew the extreme level of the program. I also thought that if I was already walking back and forth at night for an hour or more sometimes I could spend 45 minutes getting a more intense workout and my steps in. 

So I tried it out. After the second day I couldn't lift my arms to wash my hair. That feeling went away the third day. I skipped two days the first week and made them up by doubling up on workouts the second.  After two or three weeks I had lost 2 or 3 inches off my waist, hips, and bust, and about 1-2 inches from my thighs. I never thought I would stick with it, so I didn't take those before-after photos, and my kids playing with my iphone erased my notes where I was tracking all my initial measurements. But things that I hadn't even been able to zipper suddenly fit like a glove. Those old pants from the thrift store were falling off my hips and looked terrible on me. My energy was through the roof. 

I sailed through the first five weeks. Not losing more than a pound or two. I was terrified about the second "Max" month - even considering not trying it and just redoing the first month. I did it anyway because I had thought I wouldn't be able to walk 10,000 steps every day. I had thought I wouldn't be able to complete 100,000 steps in a week. I decided before I started the second month that I would not weight myself until this was over. And that if I really want to give my weight-loss a chance, I would need to double down and not eat any sweets or junk food until the end of the program. I have lost another inch (documented on paper this time) from my hips, waist, bust and thighs, an additional 1/2 inch from my calves and 1/4 inch from my biceps, and those same zippable clothes are becoming positively lose on me.  

Currently I have two weeks left to finish the INSANITY program. Most days I look in the mirror and am positively happy about the way I look. I am starting to reshape my thoughts on weight loss. My clothes fit the same or better now that I'm ten pounds heavier than they did at my pre-baby weight. I have more energy and am spending better quality time with my family. I still want to see those original numbers back again and know that I've lost inches, but for the first time part of me is saying (in a tiny whisper) that maybe it doesn't matter what the scale says. 

I'm going to finish this session of INSANITY and see what's next. I expect it will be either a shorter duration program like T-25, or a combination of INSANITY and a running (I miss using that workout time to be outside!) / weight lifting regiment where I pick the video I want to do that night. I want to exercise five nights a week instead of the current six (being a mom is exhausting enough). I also don't think I'll want to count my steps unless I'm not exercising that day. However, given my remaining addiction to junk food, I may have to do that just to make sure I don't fall off the wagon completely.