Not every day is like this, but many are. I have never been on a diet. I'm tall, so despite my "addiction" I look lean. Most of the time, I can still fit into clothes I've worn since college, and occasionally high school. Because I was lean I never really thought I had a problem. I openly joke that I am always the first one snacking at parties - and would finish more than most of the other guests. I usually would finish my plate when we would go out to eat - to the point of being uncomfortable. I don't mind eating a bag of Easter chocolates or even diving head first into a jar of unopened icing every now and then. I realized that my relationship with food was bad when, several years ago as I was still living at my mom's house, I came home one day from work and found the last slice of Papa Johns pizza gone. I had been DREAMING about it since early that morning. I NEEDED that papa johns pizza. Nothing else would do. I subsequently threw a toddler-like tantrum in the hallway upstairs - crying myself into a heap in the corner. Yeah - it surprised me to.
Perhaps it shouldn't have surprised me though; I have a very addictive personality. When I was a kid I was so involved with the TV that my mom would take it away as a punishment. I remember the agony of being without TV for even minutes - and I would sneak to the top of the stairs, lay down on my stomach and peek down between the balusters to watch from the reflection in the mirror hanging on the wall. It didn't matter what was on - I just needed to watch. I can remember so many moments as I grew up thinking - this is crap and I should turn it off, but I just kept watching. In college, my addictions often came in the form of the computer (I would play Myst for hours and stayed up for 48 hours teaching myself how to code in HTML) or obsessive reading (I read each of the Harry Potters in one night a piece).
Since college, I've seen a small shift in my health. Being exposed to so many people from different backgrounds - and having to fend for yourself day in and day out, I found small areas to improve my overall diet - and more importantly the way I think about food. In college, I needed to give up something for the forty-days of Lent and decided the HUGE soda (think 24oz) I was drinking every day would be a good challenge. It was. And afterwards I haven't really looked back. My tastes changed somewhere along those weeks I can hardly finish a single can of soda now. I knew there was other things I could do to improve my habits. During and after college I've looked to my friends and slowly started to try other new things that they did- Chinese food - wheat bread (we lived on Stroehmanns White Bread growing up) - 1% milk - greek yogurt. At the same time, I realized while I didn't like team sports, I really enjoyed a runner's high and sometimes being the strongest girl in the room. A few years post-college I trained with my husband for our first 5K. When my kids were born I realized how much stuff I ate that I would never feed them. We pureed our own baby food (which is ridiculously simple). We offer healthy snack options and look at all of the ingredients in everything we buy.
After gaining 60 pounds with my second pregnancy, I breastfed my way back to my pre-baby weight. Unfortunately as the nursing slowed down my calorie intake and eating habits remained. I gained back fifteen-plus pounds from my pre-baby weight and stayed there for more than a year. Even when I had slimmed down entirely (before putting the fifteen-plus pounds on), most of my pre-baby clothes still didn't fit. As a cover-up I went shopping at the local thrift store to get some (really nice brand names like Calvin Klein) temporary jeans that fit. I struggled with my body image like so many do, and continued to improve various parts of my eating habits - putting a nearly complete halt to eating out and cooking more at home. Again, my tastes changed and I could not eat out even when we tried - food from my favorite chain restaurants like the Outback actually tasted gross. I ran sporadically, but most of my down time was spent in front of the TV, a book or sleeping.
Then my company started the GCC - global corporate challenge - a 10,000 step a day team-based program. I had participated twice before, but lost momentum after a few weeks and never had any consistency with the 10,000 steps a day. I started running with my co-workers and from the end of May until September kept with a 10,000 step a day program. This often meant walking in place (or back and forth in my room) every night at 9, 10 or 11 pm to get the steps in. It was exhausting but for some reason I kept with it. Then the program held a 100,000 steps in a week challenge. After the first few days I thought all hope was lost (I was only pulling in 10-11,000 each day) but again, for some reason I decided to ramp it up and get it done - needing 14,500+ steps a day. I was bringing healthy snacks to work and I finally lost my first few (about 3-4) pounds.
As you may imagine, walking in place was taking forever (we don't have an elliptical or anything)- and was painfully boring. I said my prayers walking. I watched TV walking. I brushed my teeth walking. My mind was telling me - this is insane - you don't need to do this!! So when my husband was on a business trip, I picked up his copy of INSANITY - the Shaun T. workout by Beachbody. My brother-in-law had lost a significant amount (70+) pounds on the program, and had started an on-line community for people getting fit. I had tried a few of the workouts with my husband the year before, so I knew the extreme level of the program. I also thought that if I was already walking back and forth at night for an hour or more sometimes I could spend 45 minutes getting a more intense workout and my steps in.
So I tried it out. After the second day I couldn't lift my arms to wash my hair. That feeling went away the third day. I skipped two days the first week and made them up by doubling up on workouts the second. After two or three weeks I had lost 2 or 3 inches off my waist, hips, and bust, and about 1-2 inches from my thighs. I never thought I would stick with it, so I didn't take those before-after photos, and my kids playing with my iphone erased my notes where I was tracking all my initial measurements. But things that I hadn't even been able to zipper suddenly fit like a glove. Those old pants from the thrift store were falling off my hips and looked terrible on me. My energy was through the roof.
I sailed through the first five weeks. Not losing more than a pound or two. I was terrified about the second "Max" month - even considering not trying it and just redoing the first month. I did it anyway because I had thought I wouldn't be able to walk 10,000 steps every day. I had thought I wouldn't be able to complete 100,000 steps in a week. I decided before I started the second month that I would not weight myself until this was over. And that if I really want to give my weight-loss a chance, I would need to double down and not eat any sweets or junk food until the end of the program. I have lost another inch (documented on paper this time) from my hips, waist, bust and thighs, an additional 1/2 inch from my calves and 1/4 inch from my biceps, and those same zippable clothes are becoming positively lose on me.
Currently I have two weeks left to finish the INSANITY program. Most days I look in the mirror and am positively happy about the way I look. I am starting to reshape my thoughts on weight loss. My clothes fit the same or better now that I'm ten pounds heavier than they did at my pre-baby weight. I have more energy and am spending better quality time with my family. I still want to see those original numbers back again and know that I've lost inches, but for the first time part of me is saying (in a tiny whisper) that maybe it doesn't matter what the scale says.
I'm going to finish this session of INSANITY and see what's next. I expect it will be either a shorter duration program like T-25, or a combination of INSANITY and a running (I miss using that workout time to be outside!) / weight lifting regiment where I pick the video I want to do that night. I want to exercise five nights a week instead of the current six (being a mom is exhausting enough). I also don't think I'll want to count my steps unless I'm not exercising that day. However, given my remaining addiction to junk food, I may have to do that just to make sure I don't fall off the wagon completely.
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