Furniture improv: yellow and black chalkboard

Last week, our front entry looked like this. 

Then we went to our favorite thrift store and found this. It was in great condition except it was ugly pine. Each side has a single shelf inside and a drawer at the top. 

And together we upcycled to become this:

I love it. Like I have trouble leaving the room because I miss it. I may actually want to make out with this new piece of furniture.

It was marked at $95, but with a coupon, I bought it for $70. The new hardware ran me $10.50. I also bought a pint of yellow paint and a pint of black chalkboard paint for the doors. I already had the sandpaper and clear coat polyacrylic for the top.  So for about $100, and a few hours of work this week, I have the most amazing new storage. The chair was elsewhere in the room, and I plan on using this as my new reading nook while the hubby watches TV. The storage is currently for all the various games, toys and puzzles we had floating about. We still have to move the wall art around, but I had to share because I 

am in love. 

Easy Life

Today I got up at 6 am to make pancakes, take a conference call, watch 20 minutes of TV with my kids, put on their shoes and then their dad took them to school. I followed by cooking chili while I'm on another conference call, then took 5 minutes to make some pumpkin dip. I had DVR on while I wrote a few pages for my work at the computer. My mom stopped for five minutes to by to bring by food she had made, even though she lives 25 minutes away.
 
This weekend and earlier today I was feeling overwhelmed at all that wasn't done. The dishes, the laundry, the cracks in the wall of our 100 year old home, the dusty floors. I was overwhelmed by getting dinner on the table between some really horrid tantrums (by both the kids and me). I want to figure out how to get it all done.  Building on that, I was subsequently overwhelmed by the sad beautiful writings by dedicated moms and dads I see posting on Facebook about their sick kids who are the same age as mine. I want to magic all those incomprehensible pains and fears away. I am frustrated with the conflict in my heart which wants to have it all figured out, but knowing in my head that doing that just isn't possible. I was overwhelmed, as I so often let myself get by the what isn't, that I forget what is.

Thankful does not even begin to express what I feel this month. I'm thankful for a dedicated, loving husband whose gifts are inspiring. I'm thankful for my two beautiful, healthy, joyful kids. I'm thankful for money enough to pay the bills and food enough to throw away leftovers in my fridge.  I'm thankful for this old home, oil to heat it and a new porch.  I'm thankful for a great job - especially since it's one that lets me work from home once a week, encourages us to seek new ways to close the gender gap and be innovative. I'm thankful for great medical care, wifi, iphones and two good cars. I'm thankful for a dog on my couch and cats on the chairs. I'm thankful for siblings who are a little weird and amazingly loving. I'm thankful for this easy, happy life.

I forget that I'm not the one who gave all this to myself; God did. I am pained that I can't make other people's problems - job loss, sick kids, financial troubles, war, abuse - go away; God can. I'm praying that I'll find a real way to make a difference to those people who don't have these same blessings I've been given... and that it will be obvious where I can best be used to serve. Again, I'm thankful for this easy, happy life... I just need to open my heart and mind so that I can realize how to best share these blessings with others.

Photos and Quotes from C.S. Lewis

I made this today. The photo was something I took in 2010 from the sunroof of my car while my husband was driving. I came across it from my day-of-the-year calendar my mom had given me years ago.

Didn't it turn out lovely?  I loved this quote; it's so important to remember. 

"God can't give us happiness and peace apart from Himself because there is no such thing." - C.S. Lewis

Anxiety After Insanity

Its a very wet Thursday in October. The kind I secretly love. Its completely dreary and makes the weather chilly and damp. I get to wear my boots and tights and sweaters. I get to sit on my couch at lunch between work and watch Grey's anatomy on DVR with my dog on my lap, a hot PB&J and some tea. I'm feeling incredibly grateful for today.

It feels like so much has gone on since my last post three weeks ago. I finished the Insanity workout program (I have lost 11 lbs since May - half of which were through Insanity) and we held a terrific second birthday party for our little boss. My sister stayed with us for a week! My husband got promoted at work. We've gone to birthday parties, apple picking and got family photos taken. I've kept my weight down just by eating right.  I've felt underwhelmed at work and overwhelmed trying to clean up the house. And sadly, I went to a funeral for one of the teachers at my children's school.

My anxiety is creeping back, and I'm fending it off with whatever I can. It may be because of the funeral: this beautiful girl was one of those too young lives lost.  It may be in part because I'm out of balance between work and home commitments. It may be because I stopped exercising nearly 100% after working my ass off since May. It may be because everything is going so well with our family that I just want to keep it safe and am freaking out under the reality that I can't actually do that and I have no clue what's in store for us in the future.

So what's a girl to do? To combat the anxiety, I've been praying a lot, focusing on relaxing with my family and getting stuff cleaned up and done around the house. I've chatted with family and friends to bring me back down to earth. I've spent a little time running and walking the dog. I've tried to enjoy the moments where I'm not doing anything and keep my mind out of the "what if" world that haunts me so often. I spend time looking up verses from the bible that I can use as daily mantras to calm myself.

One of those thoughts or mantras has been around the idea that God is not the enemy - he is a gift-giver, our creator and brings us only towards the good. He does not curse us or punish us because things get too good. Yes, things may go awry (for some reason this is so hard for me to understand and simply accept) - but it's not guaranteed that we'll be struck with some serious unfortunate series of events just because things are good. Lots of people have the most wonderful fortunes in life. And certainly if they do happen, it will lead to something more beautiful. While I have that wholehearted feeling for others, I have to work on my belief of that for myself.

Today it has hit me several times how fortunate I am, and I am trying to dwell on that. While my life feels beautiful and wonderful and terrific and I cannot ask for more, I need to remember that this may not yet be as good as it gets. I don't feel doom and gloom approaching for our friends who are in similar positions or even those who have it better than we do - so why do I feel it for myself.  I need to remember that there are others out there who wish to be in my situation and get off my ass and find ways to help them. I think of the verse "and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked." I need to start delivering on that and paying my fortune forward.

As I walked into work looking at the rain hitting my boots, a simple thought hit me. It boiled down to by dwelling on the bad we let it consume us, consent and give it the power to make us feel helpless. In the media, pain and bad are all we talk about - and what we focus on. Despite my best intentions, I'm afraid of those pains. I have to remind myself out loud that we cannot take away our own pains or the pains of those around us - only God's plans, gifts and time can heal. But He does give us the ability to act anyway. Maybe it's something small like volunteering for a charity or helping a neighbor. Maybe its saying a prayer or sending a thank you card to someone who needs it more than we know. Maybe it is actually clothing the naked, feeding the poor, healing the sick.

We don't talk about the good often enough. If holistically we're tired of all the bad things in the world - the job loss, the death, the car accidents, the robberies, the famine, the pollution, the war, we need to remember that we ourselves have the ability to balance it out. We have the power to CREATE good in this world as well as to live in it. 

While it admittedly doesn't feel like it when the pain is our own or of those we love, in the whole world, I'm sure every death can be balanced eventually with the celebration of a birth of a healthy newborn child. Every job loss can be balanced with a new job or a promotion at work. For every cancer, someone else can choose to finally get healthy. Every fight and rift between family members can be balanced as  people get married. The pains are real and they suck. But the joys are just as real- we only need to remember to celebrate them without caution. We need to be like we were as children on Christmas - that "I can't believe this is happening - this was the best day ever!" or even the "I DID IT" feeling.

We may not be able to find someone a job immediately, cure cancer single-handed or feed all the hungry people in the world, but we can help at least one other person by what we choose to do and to focus on. Dwell on our good fortunes when we have them.  Focus on passing that along to those who need your help.  Celebrate the good as we would want our children to celebrate: with abandon.  Believe in God and his gifts; we have the power to choose to live in the good.

I caved in and weighed myself.

This week has been ridiculous. In addition to the regular daily requirements of full-time working girl and full-time mom, we completely redid our front porch over three days. I have also been preparing for my boy's second birthday party - cleaning, crafting, shopping. On top of all that I am finishing up the last week of INSANITY. I went out with friends and have tried to make time to talk to family. I'm burning the candle at both ends to get all this done: up at 5:30 or 6 and to bed at 11:30 or midnight. 

On Wednesday morning, after three weeks of not weighing myself I looked in the mirror and liked what i saw, so I caved. I weighed myself. I had gained half a pound. My first thought was "darn." Followed by "you idiot, I told you not to weigh yourself." Oops. What I should have done to satisfy my curiosity is go and measure myself. I think I let the stress of the week get to me. Surprisingly I don't feel that sad - or maybe even that surprised - about the half-a pound gain.  I immediately went to measure myself and make myself feel better. I have lost another 1/2 inch off my waist and hips in these three weeks. I was hopeful about the weightloss, but am somehow I'm okay without it.  I have four workouts and a fit test left in this round of INSANITY. 

But my question still remains: why am I not seeing results in the weight loss? Obviously I'm eating just the right amount to fuel and maintain my body. I have tried SO HARD to eat better- greek yogurt, tea and toast for breakfast. Fruit only for snacks. Homemade crockpot meals, salads and soups for lunch or dinner. I drink nearly no alcohol (think 1/2 or 1 beer on average a month). I the past three weeks I've eaten almost no sweets, with the exception of 3 cookies, 2 fig newtons, 1 piece of pumpkin pie, three homemade Nutella rugelach, one tablespoon of ice cream. I indulged twice on Fritos (probably 1-1/2  or 2 servings each time). In the past I could have eaten all of that every other day! 

Unfortunately with how busy we were working on the front porch I made my biggest mistake by allowing myself to eat from a restaurant six times during the past three weeks. That was definitely not a part of my pattern for the past six or seven months. One of the eat-out times was breakfast with the family (potatoes, toast and eggs). The other times I chose to eat pizza, Chinese stirfry, a chicken cheese steak, a wrap and a mushroom chicken sand which with French fries. I had one beer at home and two glasses of wine when I was out with friends.  With the exception of feeling salt-heavy, I have loved every minute of each of those meals. 

So now what?!? I'm still getting toned even though I'm not losing weight, so maybe I need to be okay with that. I'm still in the ideal weight zone for my height and age, and only really wanted to lose 10 pounds.  I'm actually really happy with the way I look with one exception - my stomach. I shared my annoyance with my equally health-conscience sister who quoted a friend, "abs are not made in the gym, but in the kitchen." I love that idea. I do feel I eat really well now - everyone at work mentions it. To me it's much better than I used to, but when I look at my belly there is obviously room for improvement. I will not starve myself. While I do better when I don't allow myself even a taste, I will not go without any one item (meat, carbs, dairy, junk food). I am not a cleanser or a shake-for-lunch type of girl. I need something that's sustainable and affordable. I need to eat what my kids eat. However, I believe I am carb-heavy (which means they are as well) and need to start changing that balance to more veggies, beans, and lean proteins. I should be eating my fill on those instead. Along with that, I probably need to adjust my use of sugar, salt and sauces to make those items taste good. This weight may be my new reality so most of all, I probably just need to relax and let this fitness journey take the time it needs to take.

I stuck with the INSANITY program and it has worked, but I whine like a toddler and want to throw it out the window every single day before I do it. Part of it is the length of these tapes and I'm exhausted every night.  Part of it is the inflexibility to allow for other personal commitments. I have come back from going out with friends at 10 pm and still done my workout. I have skipped cleaning up my house because I have to workout (which makes me anxious and unfulfilled. I have rushed my kids to bed without the relaxed atmosphere I want because I've been anxious about the time left in the day to work out. 

Unfortunately I haven't grown to love those videos- just the results. I love the way I look, the energy I have, the feeling of accomplishment, and the daily "live-in-the-moment-nothing-else-matters" me-time. I don't want to lose ANY of that. I think I need a small break to remember the good I felt about the program. I AM considering doing another round of it and I definitely will need something to keep me going through the winter. I'm torn between buying a used elliptical (so I can continue to workout at night while the kids are sleeping, and maybe catch up on my books or my favorite TV shows that have come back on!) or buying T-25 for the 25 minute workout.  I'm leaning towards the elliptical if I can find the right deal.

My plan for just next week is to first: buy new shoes and a few new bras. Then develop a way to learn more about lifting weights - maybe signing up at a class at the YMCA, do Yoga once and run three times. I miss running so much and the weather is beautiful right now. The week afterwards I'll see if I want to do another video workout as a filler or something else in addition to that. 

Home office redo- phase 1

Phase one of my home office makeover is complete. I get to work from home once a week, and for the most part have been using my kitchen or dining room table. Now I have a new space to work in on the third floor. 

Before: the wall acted as storage for gifts, odds and ends that my kids were too young for or we didn't need.tbe Papasan chair was tossed in the corner, piled up with pillows and other things that we didn't want on the floor. The desk was covered on and beneath - so there was no room for my legs and only a small space for my laptop.

After. I used that wall storage as part of my desk, so the desk is cleared of everything except my laptop. The printer is hooked up again after five years. The papasan chair actually is in front of the TV so someone can watch movies if they wanted. 

Basically all I did was put the stuff from the wall storage where it belonged, so it hasn't cost me anything yet. I did toss a few things, but mostly I moved everything around and got it out of the third floor if it didn't belong. I even pulled all the empty notebooks i have collected over the years off my bookcase and can easily grab one when I need it instead of buying new. As a bonus I can feel the breeze from both windows when I work now.

Next I'd like to paint everything a lighter color, hang some photos, make some new curtains, and redo both chairs. 

Food Addictions and Exercise Results

I have an addiction to junk food. I'm sure its one many people can identify with. I am sitting at my right now desk working and getting distracted by the thoughts of chocolate bars, rice crispy treats, cookies and Hershey's kisses. I'm so distracted that I have to get up for water - tea - anything. But there are vending machines and free food at people's desk. I get back to my desk and give myself a little hug. 

Not every day is like this, but many are. I have never been on a diet. I'm tall, so despite my "addiction" I look lean. Most of the time, I can still fit into clothes I've worn since college, and occasionally high school. Because I was lean I never really thought I had a problem. I openly joke that I am always the first one snacking at parties - and would finish more than most of the other guests. I usually would finish my plate when we would go out to eat - to the point of being uncomfortable. I don't mind eating a bag of Easter chocolates or even diving head first into a jar of unopened icing every now and then. I realized that my relationship with food was bad when, several years ago as I was still living at my mom's house, I came home one day from work and found the last slice of Papa Johns pizza gone. I had been DREAMING about it since early that morning. I NEEDED that papa johns pizza. Nothing else would do. I subsequently threw a toddler-like tantrum in the hallway upstairs - crying myself into a heap in the corner. Yeah - it surprised me to. 

Perhaps it shouldn't have surprised me though; I have a very addictive personality. When I was a kid I was so involved with the TV that my mom would take it away as a punishment. I remember the agony of being without TV for even minutes - and I would sneak to the top of the stairs, lay down on my stomach and peek down between the balusters to watch from the reflection in the mirror hanging on the wall. It didn't matter what was on - I just needed to watch. I can remember so many moments as I grew up thinking - this is crap and I should turn it off, but I just kept watching. In college, my addictions often came in the form of the computer (I would play Myst for hours and stayed up for 48 hours teaching myself how to code in HTML) or obsessive reading (I read each of the Harry Potters in one night a piece). 

Since college, I've seen a small shift in my health. Being exposed to so many people from different backgrounds - and having to fend for yourself day in and day out, I found small areas to improve my overall diet - and more importantly the way I think about food.  In college, I needed to give up something for the forty-days of Lent and decided the HUGE soda (think 24oz) I was drinking every day would be a good challenge. It was. And afterwards I haven't really looked back. My tastes changed somewhere along those weeks I can hardly finish a single can of soda now. I knew there was other things I could do to improve my habits. During and after college I've looked to my friends and slowly started to try other new things that they did- Chinese food - wheat bread (we lived on Stroehmanns White Bread growing up) - 1% milk - greek yogurt. At the same time, I realized while I didn't like team sports, I really enjoyed a runner's high and sometimes being the strongest girl in the room. A few years post-college I trained with my husband for our first 5K. When my kids were born I realized how much stuff I ate that I would never feed them. We pureed our own baby food (which is ridiculously simple). We offer healthy snack options and look at all of the ingredients in everything we buy. 

After gaining 60 pounds with my second pregnancy, I breastfed my way back to my pre-baby weight. Unfortunately as the nursing slowed down my calorie intake and eating habits remained. I gained back fifteen-plus pounds from my pre-baby weight and stayed there for more than a year. Even when I had slimmed down entirely (before putting the fifteen-plus pounds on), most of my pre-baby clothes still didn't fit. As a cover-up I went shopping at the local thrift store to get some (really nice brand names like Calvin Klein) temporary jeans that fit. I struggled with my body image like so many do, and continued to improve various parts of my eating habits - putting a nearly complete halt to eating out and cooking more at home. Again, my tastes changed and I could not eat out even when we tried - food from my favorite chain restaurants like the Outback actually tasted gross. I ran sporadically, but most of my down time was spent in front of the TV, a book or sleeping. 

Then my company started the GCC - global corporate challenge - a 10,000 step a day team-based program. I had participated twice before, but lost momentum after a few weeks and never had any consistency with the 10,000 steps a day. I started running with my co-workers and from the end of May until September kept with a 10,000 step a day program. This often meant walking in place (or back and forth in my room) every night at 9, 10 or 11 pm to get the steps in. It was exhausting but for some reason I kept with it. Then the program held a 100,000 steps in a week challenge. After the first few days I thought all hope was lost (I was only pulling in 10-11,000 each day) but again, for some reason I decided to ramp it up and get it done - needing 14,500+ steps a day. I was bringing healthy snacks to work and I finally lost my first few (about 3-4) pounds. 

As you may imagine, walking in place was taking forever (we don't have an elliptical or anything)- and was painfully boring. I said my prayers walking. I watched TV walking. I brushed my teeth walking. My mind was telling me - this is insane - you don't need to do this!! So when my husband was on a business trip, I picked up his copy of INSANITY - the Shaun T. workout by Beachbody. My brother-in-law had lost a significant amount (70+) pounds on the program, and had started an on-line community for people getting fit.  I had tried a few of the workouts with my husband the year before, so I knew the extreme level of the program. I also thought that if I was already walking back and forth at night for an hour or more sometimes I could spend 45 minutes getting a more intense workout and my steps in. 

So I tried it out. After the second day I couldn't lift my arms to wash my hair. That feeling went away the third day. I skipped two days the first week and made them up by doubling up on workouts the second.  After two or three weeks I had lost 2 or 3 inches off my waist, hips, and bust, and about 1-2 inches from my thighs. I never thought I would stick with it, so I didn't take those before-after photos, and my kids playing with my iphone erased my notes where I was tracking all my initial measurements. But things that I hadn't even been able to zipper suddenly fit like a glove. Those old pants from the thrift store were falling off my hips and looked terrible on me. My energy was through the roof. 

I sailed through the first five weeks. Not losing more than a pound or two. I was terrified about the second "Max" month - even considering not trying it and just redoing the first month. I did it anyway because I had thought I wouldn't be able to walk 10,000 steps every day. I had thought I wouldn't be able to complete 100,000 steps in a week. I decided before I started the second month that I would not weight myself until this was over. And that if I really want to give my weight-loss a chance, I would need to double down and not eat any sweets or junk food until the end of the program. I have lost another inch (documented on paper this time) from my hips, waist, bust and thighs, an additional 1/2 inch from my calves and 1/4 inch from my biceps, and those same zippable clothes are becoming positively lose on me.  

Currently I have two weeks left to finish the INSANITY program. Most days I look in the mirror and am positively happy about the way I look. I am starting to reshape my thoughts on weight loss. My clothes fit the same or better now that I'm ten pounds heavier than they did at my pre-baby weight. I have more energy and am spending better quality time with my family. I still want to see those original numbers back again and know that I've lost inches, but for the first time part of me is saying (in a tiny whisper) that maybe it doesn't matter what the scale says. 

I'm going to finish this session of INSANITY and see what's next. I expect it will be either a shorter duration program like T-25, or a combination of INSANITY and a running (I miss using that workout time to be outside!) / weight lifting regiment where I pick the video I want to do that night. I want to exercise five nights a week instead of the current six (being a mom is exhausting enough). I also don't think I'll want to count my steps unless I'm not exercising that day. However, given my remaining addiction to junk food, I may have to do that just to make sure I don't fall off the wagon completely. 

No-Bake Granola

In 2012 during Lent I tried out a no-processed snack food diet. This meant no potato chips, no ice cream, no brownies, cookies or cupcakes that I didn't make myself. It was challenging, but I loved reconsidering what we ate every day and learning what was possible within my kitchen. The pretzels and ice cream have entered back in a little, but our awareness of labels, our buying habits, and our tastes have absolutely changed.

During that time I tried a no-bake granola, and it was a delicious mixture of oats, craisins, nuts and sometimes chocolate. It was nothing like chewy store bought granola bars - you kept it in the fridge to keep them together, and it made it so hard it was almost impossible to cut. http://dinersjournal.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/05/04/homemade-granola-bars/

Wanting to see what else is out there, I went back to the alter that is Google and was delivered to this recipe: www.culinarycoutureblog.com/2013/06/no-bake-chewy-granola-bars.html 

It was super easy (about 15 minutes between getting everything out and cleaning everything up + 2 hours cooling) - and seriously tasty. Hello, do you see that 1/4 cup butter melting into a 1/4 cup of brown sugar and 1/4 cup honey? Two flubs I made: 1) I added a little too much vanilla. 2) They don't stay together really. You do need to put them in the fridge before eating - if you're going to serve it up as a hand-held snack.

The crumbly nature didn't bother me for this though - because most of the granola bars I use get mashed up right into my morning yogurt (1 c. one-ingredient plain greek yogurt + 2 tbsp lime juice + 2 tsp sugar).

DIY Frog Pin

 

I picked up this insanely large and sparkely frog ring at JCP yesterday. (I was really there for a pair of earrings to match my dress for a wedding we're going to this weekend and the Sephora counter.) It was a completely unnessary spend, but it was marked down to $4.99... and I'm kind of crazy for frogs. Seriously - I've got two statues in my bedroom and the kids know its "mommy's favorite". I nearly did the kid's room in a frog-and-toad theme. Last week my sister surprised me by putting one in my garden that she found at a thrift store. It absolutely made my day.



 

Anyway, the ring was pretty bad. It not only is about 3" long, but it was also made from that elastic material that just feels silly. And with the I put on rings - I can really only wear gold and silver.

So I cut it apart.

Then since I'm also obsessed with pins - I took apart one of those "Kiss Me I'm Irish" pins I had sitting in my jewlery box.

I hot-glued the pin vertically inside the frog and ta-da! A new much more awesome and wearable piece. I'm so excited about it I may wear it every day for a year (which admittedly is probably the next time I'm going to update this blog! I'm trying - I swear. My only excuse is that with a husband, two toddlers, a full time job, pets, friends, family, house repairs, etc.) I have lots of life to live outside of the digital world right now).

Repurposing A Jar

I try to do my nails once a week. so i go through a lot of polish remover and cotton balls. I realized I could find a better way to store them so they were easily accessible than in the beat-up crappy bulk-bag I've been using for years. With some inspiration from Pinterest and some existing off-white spray paint I had, I gave new life to this old salsa jar.

Reflecting on Some Daily Quotes

Right now I'm reflecting on a quote from my daily calendar. The calendar is one of those thick five-by-five inch spiral bound calendars with a daisy on every page that sits on my desk at work.

I've neglected to turn the page for a while. I liked - and maybe needed - to be reminded daily of this quote from November 13th: 

"It is not in doing what you like, but in liking what you do that is the secret of happiness."- Sir James M. Barrie. 

For the past year or so, that quote has remained. Then something made me reach out to the calendar and see it anew again. Flipping through the desk calendar earlier this week reminded me that I had written some milestone moments on certain pages - anniversaries, birthdays, first moments from my kids.

Today I reached out to it again, and not appreciating the quote on May 30th, I flipped back a few pages to see what I had missed this week. The entry on May 26th resonated with me.

"Be still, and in the quiet moments, listen to the voice of your heavenly Father. His words can renew your spirit... no one knows you and your needs like He does." - Janet L. Weaver. 

Today, I needed to hear those words. Two weeks ago I went to Mass and heard the priest call on us to pray to the Holy Spirit, in a simple "Come O Holy Spirit, Come ____". The blank could be filled with "take my anxiety away" or "give me strength" or "show me what I should do next". Whatever I need, pray for it, I should rely on the Holy Spirit to guide me. And in the seldom quiet moments I allowed myself, I did hear His voice. I heard it when I was overwhelmed after the kids went to school and there was too much to be done at work and at home. When I was going to bed and anxious. When I had stayed up too late and wanted another ice cream although I knew it wouldn't make me feel better. When I didn't want to go out on a walk but sit inside and mope. And mostly when I felt guilty for loosing my cool and being angry - or not paying close enough attention to my kids when they needed me to protect them or teach them. It had been a very angry and anxious week.

To overcome those angry and anxious feelings, I've learned a lot of things in the past few years: exercise, pray, get enough sleep, don't let yourself get hungry, eat right, talk it out (either to my husband, mom, coworkers, or on this blog). It all really does help. But one of the things I didn't feel I've been doing well is praying and LISTENING. Something made me reach for that calendar today, and made me turn the pages back. So this week I'm going to try that out and try and listen.

To my husband, on the occasion of our fifth wedding anniversary.

From the glass dish besides my bed, I put on my wedding band and my engagement ring, as I do every morning. Today I also put on my pearl earrings that dangle that my mother gave me, stored in one of those incredibly soft emerald green jewelers boxes. They always seem too fancy to wear - which is silly considering I put diamond rings on my fingers every morning - but today is our fifth wedding anniversary. 

I put on my white Rampage high heeled shoes, the same I wore five years ago. Then consider the two thirty-something pound toddlers I have to heft to daycare, and with a bit of remorse on my face, I grab the more sensible blue and yellow Keds I wore for dancing. I throw the heels in my already overflowing purse. 

"Remember to keep your eyes open on your wedding day, and take time to commit the moments to memory. The day will go by too fast and the next day it will all be a complete blur." She was right. Already so many of those moments have been lost. 

 

Last week, I watched our wedding video with our nearly-three year old daughter on my lap. She's pointing out people asking names, asking why she's not there. 

May 24th, 2008

I was 26 and knew I was ready for this marriage. I beamed as I got my hair done that day. I ate the chicken salad sandwiches on pocket pitas  and mimosas my aunts had prepared in my kitchen. We hid the two dogs in the upstairs bedroom, and my friends, sisters and cousins and I got dressed in what was then our guest bedroom, now our nursery for our two toddlers. The tiara, the pearl necklace, the garter. My sister laced up my corset, and we tucked in a rosary and custom embroidered handkerchief into the hidden pocket I had the seamstress put into the full skirts of my gown. I came downstairs and kissed my father - tears in his eyes. I was still his angel baby, his first born, getting ready to be someone's wife.  

With the gorgeous blue skies and perfect white puffy clouds, the trolley pulled up - a necessary splurge with 7 bridesmaids and 7 groomsmen. I got in and hung on to the shined brass metal poles, laughing the 20 minute drive it would take us to get to the church. There were no nerves - just happiness. 

The walk down the aisle with my dad holding my hand, my family on the left, yours on the right.  I remember him having to slow me down, I was in such a rush to get there, he was not in a rush to let me go. He kisses me - did he do that? I don't remember; I whisper something - probably "I love you" in his ear. My soon-to-be husband takes my hand and we sit on the left side of the alter, trying our best to listen to the priest with his prayers, reflections on the readings we had agonized over choosing for our family to read. You kept squeezing my hand. I would glance at you in your perfect tux with your perfect, freshly cut hair. All I wanted was to be your wife. 

Then we walked to the center of the alter, joined by the massive bridal party that could barely fit in our photos. I bounced excitedly in my white wedding heels. We gave our promises, forevermore in front of family and God. Moment's later I didn't remember the words we had said - it really was all a blur - but as I watch the video I know I said them and they were etched onto my heart. 

I put your band on your hand, you put mine on me. It wouldn't go on easily and the priest made a joke about how I had one too many donuts the night prior. My mouth hangs open in shock as I laughingly turn to face the crowed gathered to see us get married then I quickly reply "two too many" with a laugh as we turn back to the rings. The inside of my ring reads "Real Love". The inside of yours says "Has No End". 

We kissed. One of those "I'm in love with you and you are mine, but this is a church" sort of kisses. Applause. Did I hear them? I'm not sure. We turn and walk holding hands through what was now one family. 

Laughter with our fourteen closest friends - beers in a cooler one of the groomsmen had the foresight to remember. Miller Light from a can in my wedding gown with still-perfect makeup in a moving trolley. The groomsmen make jokes. The bridesmaids take photos. 

At the reception, more photos - a very fancy string quartet as our guests snack on hors devours. They introduce us to Ants Marching by Dave Matthews - on of your favorite bands, then we go right into our first dance as man and wife. I start to tear up- listening to the beautiful song "We Are Man and Wife" by Michelle Featherstone. You tell me not to cry- I've done so well all day. 

A prayer from my matron of honor, speeches from my maid of honor and your brother-slash-best man , then food, cake. "Your paying for all this delicious food, remember to eat" someone had told me before the wedding. I made sure I to eat a little of everything. More laughter, more dancing - this time in the blue and yellow Keds. 

May 24th, we both always seem to forget the actual date, for some reason mixing it up with May 25th. I thought I knew what love was like then - and I ran towards it, jumping and laughing with that child-like joy that still flows through me on special occasions. 

Since that day, we've been a set pair. We've traveled to Italy, Baltimore, North Carolina, Las Vegas and Utah. We have done and redone countless home improvement projects. We ran our first 5K. I learned to cook a little and you learned to cook more. We've celebrated through job promotions and held each other through job loss. We've handled the stress of paying bills and giddily purchased iPhones and a new bed. We've given each other two amazingly beautiful children. The girl looks just like me, but with blond hair to my dark locks, and the boy is a pint-sized you.  

Five years ago I thought I knew what love was and ran towards it. I had no clue what an amazing life I was running into; all my days since then have gone by way too fast and have all been a complete blur. I'm so very excited to learn in the next 5, 10 and 50 years what love really is. I promise to try and keep my eyes open and commit each second we're given together to memory. 

Finally Finished TV Stand

It only took 1 year and 10 months (less than two weeks of actual working time in there), but we've finally finished our re-purposed entertainment center!!

It went from this:

To this; which looks exactly as I had Photoshopped it in my original post**!

First my husband pried he top of the entertainment center off the cabinet. Then he took a sawzall and cut off the side walls (solid wood) and the back of the piece (press board). He then re-nailed the top layer on the bottom of the cabinet. Paint came last - a coat of primer across the entire cabinet, 2 coats of black spray paint for the bottom of the hutch (inside and out) and three coats of white for the top. Then he hand painted a layer of polyurethane to just the white part of the cabinet where our kids are most likely to color or scratch or bump.

The new piece is much larger than what we had been using so we had to get rid of another piece we had on the left and the toy basket on the right... for the past nearly 2 years we had been using our entry-way shoe basket (seen in the background here):

Our original plan was to move the DVD collection off the bookshelf to the cabinet - but quickly realized the kids liked the cabinets... and would LOVE playing with the DVDs. So we decided to use it for toy storage instead. In hindsight I wouldn't have painted the inside of the cabinets because they can be easily scratched without poly... but we decided to use cloth baskets to minimize the scratching. 

I have to say I'm absolutely in love with this new piece.  It could have been easily used as a window seat or welcome bench itself - but entertainment center is the best use of it for our room right now. Half our toys are hidden away now. And it only cost us about $20 in paint!

**Here's the full original post about my re-purposing project:

http://eastsixth.blogspot.com/2011/04/short-sweet-my-new-entertainment-center.html

Playing Dress-up: a Christmas craft

For our 2012 Christmas, I had a lot of crafts I wanted to do. By far the biggest was to create a dress-up closet for my kids. As mcNugget got a bit more into dress up this year, and I saw all the potential hand-me-downs from my sister, I wanted to get a head of it all. It was also a project for my own excitement, really - getting back to my love of reinventing furniture and doing house projects that make me so happy. Plus, at the end of the day, I like to show my love through crafts and hard work... those are the gifts that have always meant the most to me: the gift of time means more than buying things.
So I went shopping. There was a fun wine rack at Homegoods that I was considering at first; it was $75+ though and I don't have any experience with working in metal. Plus the cabinet wasn't closed at the top, so it would need to go in the playroom and out of view until we re-re-purposed it into something else.

The next day I found this at my favorite thrift store, which was marked at $35, but I had a 25% off coupon. They said someone came in earlier looking at it, but they had trouble opening it since the top closures were stuck. Bonus? It closes and helps with hiding all the wonderful mess kids bring with them. I always tell them, it's alright to make a mess as long as you clean it up! Plus I LOVED the book door pull, and it was the perfect size - about 4' X 2' X 2'. SOLD.


The staff hoisted it in my car (it JUST fit) and the husband put it in basement for me. I pried off the closures with a flathead screwdriver - they just popped right off. The doors had swollen over time, and didn't need the latch to keep shut.

The style fit with our dining room furniture but really was not attention grabbing for a kid. You can also see all the scratches it had from years of use, so I picked up three Valspar brand paint samples ($3 each at Lowes) to refinish the doors and outside. Sanding was the worst part, but fortunately I just had to rough up the finish - not remove it. The first night took me about 2 hours. I primed the whole outside (1 hour) the following evening, then sanded lightly and painted my two coats of paint the second night (2 hours).

I decided to put a clear coat of polyurethane on it to protect it from the kids scratches, banging, drawings, and whatever else they did to it. That took another hour or so on a fourth night, and was something I had never done before. I was worried because our basement was pretty cold that night, and the poly seemed to have little tiny bubbles in it -but when I checked on it two days later, it looked great! I'm sure another coat would do it some good, but with lots of other crafts left to do I wanted to finish it up.
The last thing was to hang a clothes bar ($15), contact paper the inside ($2.50) and re-attach the front hinge. Since they would much more likely scratch up the inside where they can reach I didn't bother painting it; and contact paper can be redone cheaply and quickly if they ruin it somehow. I was also lucky the walls were really thick so the screws holding the clothes bar didn't go through the other side. The only thing I would change is I wish the middle shelf was movable to give more height to the long dresses. And maybe it is for someone a little more keen on cutting and drilling and all that - but I worked within the confines of the existing structure.

For Christmas morning, we loaded it with some of their existing play clothes and hats, ten cent hangers from a thrift store, an existing bin for things that didn't get hung up, and all the purses and costume jewelry they played with (which was previously all over the house). The other family members gave some new costumes, masks, and a doctor's bag as Christmas gifts since they knew what we were planning.

When they get older, maybe one of them will use it to hold their books or other stuff in their home. Or maybe they'll let me keep it :) I really didn't want to banish this awesome new piece of furniture to somewhere only they would see it. It's currently the first thing you see when you walk in our house.

Last day of 2012

Here's what I did the last day of 2012: turned $4 CK (from the local thrift store) boot cut jeans into skinny jeans, which I needed to fit in my new riding boots i got for Christmas. Thanks to my sister for the help!

We laid the pants flat and inside-out, flattening and aligning along the inside seam. We put one leg of my other existing skinny jeans that I wanted to match on the outside seam, and pinned the interior of the leg to match.

We ended up seam ripping the crotch since there was so much fabric. Depending on your pants, you may be able to skip this part. The pins were then tapered gently from the leg out on a curve to as close to the existing bottom of the crotch center point as possible to ensure I didn't lose any height in the waist of the pants.

We sewed the first leg from the crotch down to the leg so the fabric wouldn't bunch at the top. I then tried them on (right-side-out), liked them, and then turned them back inside-out to cut the excess fabric off the newly sewn leg. We left a 1/4 inch excess from the new seam.

We repeated the process on the other leg, the whole process taking about an hour.

They looked spectacular, especially for $4.