Anxiety After Insanity

Its a very wet Thursday in October. The kind I secretly love. Its completely dreary and makes the weather chilly and damp. I get to wear my boots and tights and sweaters. I get to sit on my couch at lunch between work and watch Grey's anatomy on DVR with my dog on my lap, a hot PB&J and some tea. I'm feeling incredibly grateful for today.

It feels like so much has gone on since my last post three weeks ago. I finished the Insanity workout program (I have lost 11 lbs since May - half of which were through Insanity) and we held a terrific second birthday party for our little boss. My sister stayed with us for a week! My husband got promoted at work. We've gone to birthday parties, apple picking and got family photos taken. I've kept my weight down just by eating right.  I've felt underwhelmed at work and overwhelmed trying to clean up the house. And sadly, I went to a funeral for one of the teachers at my children's school.

My anxiety is creeping back, and I'm fending it off with whatever I can. It may be because of the funeral: this beautiful girl was one of those too young lives lost.  It may be in part because I'm out of balance between work and home commitments. It may be because I stopped exercising nearly 100% after working my ass off since May. It may be because everything is going so well with our family that I just want to keep it safe and am freaking out under the reality that I can't actually do that and I have no clue what's in store for us in the future.

So what's a girl to do? To combat the anxiety, I've been praying a lot, focusing on relaxing with my family and getting stuff cleaned up and done around the house. I've chatted with family and friends to bring me back down to earth. I've spent a little time running and walking the dog. I've tried to enjoy the moments where I'm not doing anything and keep my mind out of the "what if" world that haunts me so often. I spend time looking up verses from the bible that I can use as daily mantras to calm myself.

One of those thoughts or mantras has been around the idea that God is not the enemy - he is a gift-giver, our creator and brings us only towards the good. He does not curse us or punish us because things get too good. Yes, things may go awry (for some reason this is so hard for me to understand and simply accept) - but it's not guaranteed that we'll be struck with some serious unfortunate series of events just because things are good. Lots of people have the most wonderful fortunes in life. And certainly if they do happen, it will lead to something more beautiful. While I have that wholehearted feeling for others, I have to work on my belief of that for myself.

Today it has hit me several times how fortunate I am, and I am trying to dwell on that. While my life feels beautiful and wonderful and terrific and I cannot ask for more, I need to remember that this may not yet be as good as it gets. I don't feel doom and gloom approaching for our friends who are in similar positions or even those who have it better than we do - so why do I feel it for myself.  I need to remember that there are others out there who wish to be in my situation and get off my ass and find ways to help them. I think of the verse "and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked." I need to start delivering on that and paying my fortune forward.

As I walked into work looking at the rain hitting my boots, a simple thought hit me. It boiled down to by dwelling on the bad we let it consume us, consent and give it the power to make us feel helpless. In the media, pain and bad are all we talk about - and what we focus on. Despite my best intentions, I'm afraid of those pains. I have to remind myself out loud that we cannot take away our own pains or the pains of those around us - only God's plans, gifts and time can heal. But He does give us the ability to act anyway. Maybe it's something small like volunteering for a charity or helping a neighbor. Maybe its saying a prayer or sending a thank you card to someone who needs it more than we know. Maybe it is actually clothing the naked, feeding the poor, healing the sick.

We don't talk about the good often enough. If holistically we're tired of all the bad things in the world - the job loss, the death, the car accidents, the robberies, the famine, the pollution, the war, we need to remember that we ourselves have the ability to balance it out. We have the power to CREATE good in this world as well as to live in it. 

While it admittedly doesn't feel like it when the pain is our own or of those we love, in the whole world, I'm sure every death can be balanced eventually with the celebration of a birth of a healthy newborn child. Every job loss can be balanced with a new job or a promotion at work. For every cancer, someone else can choose to finally get healthy. Every fight and rift between family members can be balanced as  people get married. The pains are real and they suck. But the joys are just as real- we only need to remember to celebrate them without caution. We need to be like we were as children on Christmas - that "I can't believe this is happening - this was the best day ever!" or even the "I DID IT" feeling.

We may not be able to find someone a job immediately, cure cancer single-handed or feed all the hungry people in the world, but we can help at least one other person by what we choose to do and to focus on. Dwell on our good fortunes when we have them.  Focus on passing that along to those who need your help.  Celebrate the good as we would want our children to celebrate: with abandon.  Believe in God and his gifts; we have the power to choose to live in the good.